Post by boogieknight on Jan 9, 2008 19:35:32 GMT -5
Back in high school I wrote this pretty extensive script, dreaming of making an anime of my own. Off and on I've been working on writing books, but they never really take off cause I only have a few scenes in mind and not much else. Recently, I got the idea to rework the script into a book. I could elaborate on some scenes and alter some parts that I'm not satisfied with. I'd like a little input on the first scene that I've reworked.
By the way, the title of the script is [you]Demon Man Ravana[/you], with an alternate title [you]Written in Blood[/you]. However, I intend to create a brand new one:
Chapter One: A Childish Weapon
I.
The day of Parliamentary elections was met with zeal and enthusiasm by the citizenry of Sibony. It was still a new custom that was established only a few years ago when the old way was overthrown, with minor moral and material support from the Ravan Empire. Firecrackers pop at a frantic pace, and hands clap against drums with equal frenzy. The aged, with faces worn by time and sand, pass candies to children as part of the revelry.
Among them is a man with a dark countenance and designs that would put an end to this celebration. Like a shadow, the man who appeared to have just emerged from the desert slipped through the crowd as though without substance. The man’s menacing glare came to rest on a familiar alley, and he hesitated only to look over his shoulder hostilely at the innocent bystanders. He lurked into the alley, and was too fixed on his conspiracies to notice the giant sitting in the darkness in malevolent serenity.
The man of dark designs slithered to the end of the alley and rapped on a door. To his surprise, the door creaked open wide. He slipped his head into the doorway, twisting his neck against the frame. He whispered, “Abdullah, are you there? It is I, Tamal.” The giant rose to his feet behind Tamal, and so his shadow loomed over Tamal. Feeling a greater darkness, Tamal turned to see the giant with a head like fire leering down upon him with cold, inhuman eyes of emerald.
Tamal instinctively attempted to bolt out, but a bat-like wing sprung from behind the monstrous man and obstructed the path. Tamal looked to the other side and cringed as another wing stabbed into the wall. Tamal stammered, “D-demon man.”
“I am,” responded the hulking shadow, “Give in and I’ll let the humans deal with you on their own time.” Tamal drew a butterfly knife in the futile hope of intimidating. The shadow studied the weapon and chuckled, “What a cute toy.” A hand wrapped around the blade and snapped it off like a twig. The fiend boasted, “I am Agni, an implement of Ravan’s will. Your top man, Nazir, is dabbling in matters that a merchant of vice should leave alone. Only he needs to die, so if you reveal where I can find him and the fields he grows his… ‘goods,’ then I shall spare you.”
Tamal ran through the doorway and sought to conceal himself in the dark house. After only a few steps he fell down, and as he scurried to his feet he suddenly noticed a burning smell. Agni flicked a light switch and in the light Tamal beheld the lot of his coconspirators laid dead, broken and scorched. Agni stepped forth methodically as Tamal’s courage failed him. Agni growled low, like a lion with a fresh kill in sight.
Tamal snatched a chair leg and swung high, only to shatter on the chest of Agni. Agni thrust the broken blade into Tamal’s wrist. Tamal cried out in pain as he brooded over the wound. Agni’s paw clasped Tamal by the neck and raised him high, then slammed him against the crumbling wall. Agni snarled, revealing a set of dagger-like teeth, for Nature deigned that this creature should be a devourer of flesh. Agni once more growled, then released a mighty roar.
Despite his terror, Tamal struggled against his captivity. Agni’s grip loosened slightly, and as Tamal struggled harder for breath he took in a whiff of smoke from the flesh scalding under Agni’s touch. Agni cautioned, “Talk now before I cremate you alive, human.”
By the way, the title of the script is [you]Demon Man Ravana[/you], with an alternate title [you]Written in Blood[/you]. However, I intend to create a brand new one:
Chapter One: A Childish Weapon
I.
The day of Parliamentary elections was met with zeal and enthusiasm by the citizenry of Sibony. It was still a new custom that was established only a few years ago when the old way was overthrown, with minor moral and material support from the Ravan Empire. Firecrackers pop at a frantic pace, and hands clap against drums with equal frenzy. The aged, with faces worn by time and sand, pass candies to children as part of the revelry.
Among them is a man with a dark countenance and designs that would put an end to this celebration. Like a shadow, the man who appeared to have just emerged from the desert slipped through the crowd as though without substance. The man’s menacing glare came to rest on a familiar alley, and he hesitated only to look over his shoulder hostilely at the innocent bystanders. He lurked into the alley, and was too fixed on his conspiracies to notice the giant sitting in the darkness in malevolent serenity.
The man of dark designs slithered to the end of the alley and rapped on a door. To his surprise, the door creaked open wide. He slipped his head into the doorway, twisting his neck against the frame. He whispered, “Abdullah, are you there? It is I, Tamal.” The giant rose to his feet behind Tamal, and so his shadow loomed over Tamal. Feeling a greater darkness, Tamal turned to see the giant with a head like fire leering down upon him with cold, inhuman eyes of emerald.
Tamal instinctively attempted to bolt out, but a bat-like wing sprung from behind the monstrous man and obstructed the path. Tamal looked to the other side and cringed as another wing stabbed into the wall. Tamal stammered, “D-demon man.”
“I am,” responded the hulking shadow, “Give in and I’ll let the humans deal with you on their own time.” Tamal drew a butterfly knife in the futile hope of intimidating. The shadow studied the weapon and chuckled, “What a cute toy.” A hand wrapped around the blade and snapped it off like a twig. The fiend boasted, “I am Agni, an implement of Ravan’s will. Your top man, Nazir, is dabbling in matters that a merchant of vice should leave alone. Only he needs to die, so if you reveal where I can find him and the fields he grows his… ‘goods,’ then I shall spare you.”
Tamal ran through the doorway and sought to conceal himself in the dark house. After only a few steps he fell down, and as he scurried to his feet he suddenly noticed a burning smell. Agni flicked a light switch and in the light Tamal beheld the lot of his coconspirators laid dead, broken and scorched. Agni stepped forth methodically as Tamal’s courage failed him. Agni growled low, like a lion with a fresh kill in sight.
Tamal snatched a chair leg and swung high, only to shatter on the chest of Agni. Agni thrust the broken blade into Tamal’s wrist. Tamal cried out in pain as he brooded over the wound. Agni’s paw clasped Tamal by the neck and raised him high, then slammed him against the crumbling wall. Agni snarled, revealing a set of dagger-like teeth, for Nature deigned that this creature should be a devourer of flesh. Agni once more growled, then released a mighty roar.
Despite his terror, Tamal struggled against his captivity. Agni’s grip loosened slightly, and as Tamal struggled harder for breath he took in a whiff of smoke from the flesh scalding under Agni’s touch. Agni cautioned, “Talk now before I cremate you alive, human.”
Especially the way you wrote the character detail. I uually end up being more direct than that and it looks sloppy 
