Post by darkstalker on Dec 23, 2008 20:57:35 GMT -5
This is a comprehensive list of 345 things most RPGers aren't allowed to do...
EVER!
1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one-man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on the back of the page.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists I am not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'to hold their breath for 10 minutes.'
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not 'like big butts and he cannot lie.'
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick up the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory. ---
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. Whatever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM laugh so hard he pees himself.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled Power Word: Stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not 'too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.'
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two or more than none.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I cannot leave the copper for the kobolds.
252. I am not to make the prediction 'Beware the white gazebo' for no apparent reason.
253. It is not a good idea to cast fire spells in a dense forest, especially in the presence of a druid, no matter how many trolls there are.
254. I am never to volunteer my teifling rogue for the task of group treasurer.
255. I cannot tell the other players to 'Be wary of the DM that owns the Ravenloft campaign setting book... it usually means you are going to die the first night.'
256. I cannot strap a thunderstone to a large keg of gunpowder, light the fuse and launch it at an enemy warship at anchor. (If the warship hadn't been extremely under-crewed, one of my friends would've skipped 4 lvls from the xp for killing the full crew).
257. I cannot use Smite Evil with a "Thunderhammer" when a party member with extremely sensitive hearing is standing next to me... (The sonic damage from the thunderclap took almost all of his HP and left him incapacitated for most of the session)
258. Never under any circumstances am I to knock out an annoying NPC (innkeeper) if I am a lawful good character, because odds are within a few turns I will have to lug their oversized arse to safety when the place comes under attack/catches fire/etc...
259. I am not allowed to take any part off of a Starfighter for use in character-to-character combat.
260. I am not allowed to behead any member of my party... even if I CAN raise them back from the dead afterwords.
261. Contrary to personal belief, spending 50 Platinum on a hooker for a week does NOT heal back any hit points and, in fact, does 2 temporary Constitution damage.
262. I am not allowed to use Smite Evil on any form of supporting architecture, no matter how evil it appears.
263. I am not allowed to Smite Evil while "wielding" any form of small animal.
264. "Buddy Armor" does not offer any form of cover or protection.
265. I am not allowed to throw a Lieutenant on a grenade to "take one for the team."
266. If I am caught without my tower shield, I CANNOT shove my arm up the back of the halflings shirt for "Improvised Armor."
267. Donkeys will not stand still while you are prepping them for an ambush by shoving 15 pounds of C4 and a radio detonator up it's... well, you know.
268. I am not allowed to get "a little bit of a bonus" from a senator's daughter after rescuing her from terrorists.
269. I did not spend two years as a breeder for Amazons.
270. My lightsaber cannot double as a dance club effect.
271. I am outlawed from getting behind the controls of any form of jet fighter, whether I know how to fly them or not.
272. Even on a natural 20 with a 20 threat roll, a rat fired from a sling will never cause double damage and is incapable of 'one shotting the ogre.'
273. When a new female character is introduced to me, I will not compare myself to my horse in any way while muttering ANYTHING about "the reason I'm the master."
274. I am not allowed to scream "Yo, Joe!" at the top of my lungs while explaining what I am doing during an Attack.
275. I am not allowed to scream "Cobraaaaaaa!" at the top of my lungs while explaining what I am doing during an Attack.
276. I am not allowed to scream anything at the top of my lungs while explaining what I am doing during an Attack.
277. I am not allowed to refer to any character under level 4 as a Red Shirt.
278. Gnomes can not be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
279. Halflings can not be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
280. No character or NPC can be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
281. No form of living creature can be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
282. Undead and magical constructs can not be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
283. When the leader says we need a distraction and some way to shed light in the hall, I am not allowed to dump oil on the Evil halfling rogue, lite him, and kick him through the door.
284. It is never socially acceptable to very vocally cast Detect Evil when being introduced to the King's Daughter!
285. There is no 'Murphy's Law of the Jedi.'
286. If my GM or DM are forced to look up anything in their rule books more then 3 times in a 1 hour perior, I will immediately receive a Dark Side Point/fall from Paladin Grace/be reduced in rank!
287. Ogre is not a secret ingredient for any meal.
288. I am not allowed to take the deal offered to me by the Evil Overlord in his throne room.
289. I am not allowed to kill ANY member of my party in the Evil Overlords throne room.
290. If I voice my willingness to take the Evil Overlords deal or kill any member of my party, I will fall from Paladin Grace.
291. I am not allowed to use Gaffer’s Tape to fix a breach in the Star Destroyer’s hull.
292. On my droid character, who has a boombox in his chest, I am not allowed to turn the volume all the way up and blare SikTh right behind the guy with uber-sensitive hearing.
293. I am not allowed to tell the little, drug addicted, girl that there are more drugs on the other side of my portal (which I have no idea where it goes, but probably Hell) just to see where it goes.
294. I cannot use “Star Power” to heal people at the cost of their immortal soul.
295. Rat-Flails are not allowed.
296. Small creatures cannot be attached to a club to make a flail.
297. This goes for large animals as well, no matter my strength.
298. Descarte’s saying of “I think, therefore I am” cannot be expounded upon like so: “I think, therefore I am. Therefore, if I stop thinking, I disappear” and use it to dodge.
299: I am not allowed to blow up mana wells and destory the universe in the process.
300: I'm not allowed to kill the big-bad-boss only to take his place as the evil overlord-or-whatever
301: My cleric is not allowed to shout 'Go for the throat!' ---
302: I'm not allowed to yell "IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!!!", "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!", "MOXIEMOXIEMOXIE ect.", "Longcat is loooooooooooooooong", or any other meme from 4chan~desu Desu is alright though, because Suiseiseki is a smart, sexy, and well dressed goddess~desu. ---
303: I'm not allowed to describe what I'm doing to those little bastard kobolds... ---
304: There is no "Summon Tarrasque" spell. And no, you may not attempt to bribe or threaten the thing into joining your party.
305: If you have a rat flail, you will catch the plague and DIE.
306: I am not allowed to sell dead party members for medical research.
307: My battlecry cannot be "Fetch me my battle pants!" or anything equally nonsensical.
308: I am not allowed to use necromancy on dead party members to turn them into my mindless undead slaves.
309: If I am the leader of the party, I am not allowed to order the other party members to attack the enemy while I run like hell in the opposite direction.
310: I will never waste a Pheonix down on a super big monster we just defeated.
311: If my character is a bard carrying a guitar (or one of it's close relatives) I'm not allowed to beat enemies upside the head with it yelling "EL KABONG!"
312: If my character is a vampire, I'm not allowed to wield a steamroller and yell "WRYYYYYYY!"
313. Never Allowed To Use Hand Seals To Perform Ninjitsu In A Real Life Fight.
314: I am no longer allowed to carry any bags of infinte holding.
315: I am not allowed to be a protoss with no legs.
316: Just because the very busty female rogue is under my control, it doesn't mean I can distract my enemies by flashing and jumping.
317: My special technique cannot be "Sad Puppy Dog Eyes."
318: My special technique cannot be "Confuse the enemy by shouting obscenities at the top of my lungs."
319: My special technique cannot be "Get drunk and hit on the elf chick."
320: My special technique cannot be "Drop pants."
321: My special technique cannot involve a moose in any way shape or form (don't ask.)
322: I am not allowed to use my Throw skill to try and throw myself.
323: My gnome cannot build a catapult out of some troll dung, his left shoe, and two pieces of dental floss.
324: My Paladin's symbol cannot be a hand extending the middle finger.
325: I am not allowed to try and debate whether a five-ounce bird can lift a one-pound coconut.
326: I am not allowed to try and surrender our party's female white mage/cleric/whatever to the enemy as a virgin sacrifice (I am also not allowed to burst out laughing if this actually happens.)
327: My party's name cannot be the Gangsta Gs from Da West Siiiiiiiide of Baldur's Gate.
328: I am not allowed to teach my monk break-dance fighting.
329. I can never use the words "I would do anything..." in any quest dialogue ever again.
330. No, I cannot summon a Dragon if I've been eaten by the dragon.
331: Can't invent duct tape and use it on the fighter.
332. There is no 332.
333: Never role-play angry.
334: Never role-play drunk.
335: Not allowed to turn quest into a drinking game.
336: Not allowed to aim for the genitals more than once per campaign
337: There is no way to summon Vespa and for my bard to ride around smacking NCP with his/her lute.
338: I'm not allowed to base character off of FLCL.
339. Never kill 20-some-odd fluffy, white bunnies (vorpal or not) in the presence of a mentally unstable half-elven druid (me!).
340. You cannot kill a big, hairy oaf out to kill you by backstabbing him with a ballista.
341. You cannot kill a big, hairy oaf out to kill you by sneak attacking him with siege weapons of any kind.
342. You shall not try to knock-out your hydrophobic mage to carry him across the river by having your barbarian punch him in the head.
343. You shall not pretend to be nice by giving your dead comrade a funeral and then loot his stuff afterwards. Pick one of the two, not both.
344. You shall not repeatedly kill the annoying, miniscule mini-boss character just because his speeches are long-winded.
345. You shall not adventure into a college hallway and end up killing the players who control your characters, namely you.
EVER!
1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one-man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on the back of the page.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists I am not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'to hold their breath for 10 minutes.'
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not 'like big butts and he cannot lie.'
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick up the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory. ---
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. Whatever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM laugh so hard he pees himself.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled Power Word: Stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not 'too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.'
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two or more than none.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I cannot leave the copper for the kobolds.
252. I am not to make the prediction 'Beware the white gazebo' for no apparent reason.
253. It is not a good idea to cast fire spells in a dense forest, especially in the presence of a druid, no matter how many trolls there are.
254. I am never to volunteer my teifling rogue for the task of group treasurer.
255. I cannot tell the other players to 'Be wary of the DM that owns the Ravenloft campaign setting book... it usually means you are going to die the first night.'
256. I cannot strap a thunderstone to a large keg of gunpowder, light the fuse and launch it at an enemy warship at anchor. (If the warship hadn't been extremely under-crewed, one of my friends would've skipped 4 lvls from the xp for killing the full crew).
257. I cannot use Smite Evil with a "Thunderhammer" when a party member with extremely sensitive hearing is standing next to me... (The sonic damage from the thunderclap took almost all of his HP and left him incapacitated for most of the session)
258. Never under any circumstances am I to knock out an annoying NPC (innkeeper) if I am a lawful good character, because odds are within a few turns I will have to lug their oversized arse to safety when the place comes under attack/catches fire/etc...
259. I am not allowed to take any part off of a Starfighter for use in character-to-character combat.
260. I am not allowed to behead any member of my party... even if I CAN raise them back from the dead afterwords.
261. Contrary to personal belief, spending 50 Platinum on a hooker for a week does NOT heal back any hit points and, in fact, does 2 temporary Constitution damage.
262. I am not allowed to use Smite Evil on any form of supporting architecture, no matter how evil it appears.
263. I am not allowed to Smite Evil while "wielding" any form of small animal.
264. "Buddy Armor" does not offer any form of cover or protection.
265. I am not allowed to throw a Lieutenant on a grenade to "take one for the team."
266. If I am caught without my tower shield, I CANNOT shove my arm up the back of the halflings shirt for "Improvised Armor."
267. Donkeys will not stand still while you are prepping them for an ambush by shoving 15 pounds of C4 and a radio detonator up it's... well, you know.
268. I am not allowed to get "a little bit of a bonus" from a senator's daughter after rescuing her from terrorists.
269. I did not spend two years as a breeder for Amazons.
270. My lightsaber cannot double as a dance club effect.
271. I am outlawed from getting behind the controls of any form of jet fighter, whether I know how to fly them or not.
272. Even on a natural 20 with a 20 threat roll, a rat fired from a sling will never cause double damage and is incapable of 'one shotting the ogre.'
273. When a new female character is introduced to me, I will not compare myself to my horse in any way while muttering ANYTHING about "the reason I'm the master."
274. I am not allowed to scream "Yo, Joe!" at the top of my lungs while explaining what I am doing during an Attack.
275. I am not allowed to scream "Cobraaaaaaa!" at the top of my lungs while explaining what I am doing during an Attack.
276. I am not allowed to scream anything at the top of my lungs while explaining what I am doing during an Attack.
277. I am not allowed to refer to any character under level 4 as a Red Shirt.
278. Gnomes can not be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
279. Halflings can not be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
280. No character or NPC can be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
281. No form of living creature can be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
282. Undead and magical constructs can not be used to plug a hole in a levy or dam.
283. When the leader says we need a distraction and some way to shed light in the hall, I am not allowed to dump oil on the Evil halfling rogue, lite him, and kick him through the door.
284. It is never socially acceptable to very vocally cast Detect Evil when being introduced to the King's Daughter!
285. There is no 'Murphy's Law of the Jedi.'
286. If my GM or DM are forced to look up anything in their rule books more then 3 times in a 1 hour perior, I will immediately receive a Dark Side Point/fall from Paladin Grace/be reduced in rank!
287. Ogre is not a secret ingredient for any meal.
288. I am not allowed to take the deal offered to me by the Evil Overlord in his throne room.
289. I am not allowed to kill ANY member of my party in the Evil Overlords throne room.
290. If I voice my willingness to take the Evil Overlords deal or kill any member of my party, I will fall from Paladin Grace.
291. I am not allowed to use Gaffer’s Tape to fix a breach in the Star Destroyer’s hull.
292. On my droid character, who has a boombox in his chest, I am not allowed to turn the volume all the way up and blare SikTh right behind the guy with uber-sensitive hearing.
293. I am not allowed to tell the little, drug addicted, girl that there are more drugs on the other side of my portal (which I have no idea where it goes, but probably Hell) just to see where it goes.
294. I cannot use “Star Power” to heal people at the cost of their immortal soul.
295. Rat-Flails are not allowed.
296. Small creatures cannot be attached to a club to make a flail.
297. This goes for large animals as well, no matter my strength.
298. Descarte’s saying of “I think, therefore I am” cannot be expounded upon like so: “I think, therefore I am. Therefore, if I stop thinking, I disappear” and use it to dodge.
299: I am not allowed to blow up mana wells and destory the universe in the process.
300: I'm not allowed to kill the big-bad-boss only to take his place as the evil overlord-or-whatever
301: My cleric is not allowed to shout 'Go for the throat!' ---
302: I'm not allowed to yell "IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!!!", "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!", "MOXIEMOXIEMOXIE ect.", "Longcat is loooooooooooooooong", or any other meme from 4chan~desu Desu is alright though, because Suiseiseki is a smart, sexy, and well dressed goddess~desu. ---
303: I'm not allowed to describe what I'm doing to those little bastard kobolds... ---
304: There is no "Summon Tarrasque" spell. And no, you may not attempt to bribe or threaten the thing into joining your party.
305: If you have a rat flail, you will catch the plague and DIE.
306: I am not allowed to sell dead party members for medical research.
307: My battlecry cannot be "Fetch me my battle pants!" or anything equally nonsensical.
308: I am not allowed to use necromancy on dead party members to turn them into my mindless undead slaves.
309: If I am the leader of the party, I am not allowed to order the other party members to attack the enemy while I run like hell in the opposite direction.
310: I will never waste a Pheonix down on a super big monster we just defeated.
311: If my character is a bard carrying a guitar (or one of it's close relatives) I'm not allowed to beat enemies upside the head with it yelling "EL KABONG!"
312: If my character is a vampire, I'm not allowed to wield a steamroller and yell "WRYYYYYYY!"
313. Never Allowed To Use Hand Seals To Perform Ninjitsu In A Real Life Fight.
314: I am no longer allowed to carry any bags of infinte holding.
315: I am not allowed to be a protoss with no legs.
316: Just because the very busty female rogue is under my control, it doesn't mean I can distract my enemies by flashing and jumping.
317: My special technique cannot be "Sad Puppy Dog Eyes."
318: My special technique cannot be "Confuse the enemy by shouting obscenities at the top of my lungs."
319: My special technique cannot be "Get drunk and hit on the elf chick."
320: My special technique cannot be "Drop pants."
321: My special technique cannot involve a moose in any way shape or form (don't ask.)
322: I am not allowed to use my Throw skill to try and throw myself.
323: My gnome cannot build a catapult out of some troll dung, his left shoe, and two pieces of dental floss.
324: My Paladin's symbol cannot be a hand extending the middle finger.
325: I am not allowed to try and debate whether a five-ounce bird can lift a one-pound coconut.
326: I am not allowed to try and surrender our party's female white mage/cleric/whatever to the enemy as a virgin sacrifice (I am also not allowed to burst out laughing if this actually happens.)
327: My party's name cannot be the Gangsta Gs from Da West Siiiiiiiide of Baldur's Gate.
328: I am not allowed to teach my monk break-dance fighting.
329. I can never use the words "I would do anything..." in any quest dialogue ever again.
330. No, I cannot summon a Dragon if I've been eaten by the dragon.
331: Can't invent duct tape and use it on the fighter.
332. There is no 332.
333: Never role-play angry.
334: Never role-play drunk.
335: Not allowed to turn quest into a drinking game.
336: Not allowed to aim for the genitals more than once per campaign
337: There is no way to summon Vespa and for my bard to ride around smacking NCP with his/her lute.
338: I'm not allowed to base character off of FLCL.
339. Never kill 20-some-odd fluffy, white bunnies (vorpal or not) in the presence of a mentally unstable half-elven druid (me!).
340. You cannot kill a big, hairy oaf out to kill you by backstabbing him with a ballista.
341. You cannot kill a big, hairy oaf out to kill you by sneak attacking him with siege weapons of any kind.
342. You shall not try to knock-out your hydrophobic mage to carry him across the river by having your barbarian punch him in the head.
343. You shall not pretend to be nice by giving your dead comrade a funeral and then loot his stuff afterwards. Pick one of the two, not both.
344. You shall not repeatedly kill the annoying, miniscule mini-boss character just because his speeches are long-winded.
345. You shall not adventure into a college hallway and end up killing the players who control your characters, namely you.
